The White Russian
The White Russian, also called a Caucasian to those in the know, is the staple beverage of Dudeists the world over. The drink itself is representative of the Dudeist way of thinking; a slow sipper to be enjoyed leisurely and so simple a German with a toe missing could make one. Now I've had a lot of White Russians from a lot of different places. Some have been good; some have been diabolical. But I've found the best and perhaps only way to make a far out Caucasian is to make it yourself at home. Plus you've then got the added bonus of not having to leave the house. Join me now as I take you through the definitive way to make the Dude's favourite tipple.
You will need:
Kahlua
Vodka
Milk
Cream
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See? So far, so easy. The trick is in the execution.
1. First you'll want to find the perfect glass; not too big and not too small. This isn't a pint but nor is it a shot. A medium sized tumbler should fit the bill. I stole this glass from a good friend of mine who in turn stole it from a bar so if you believe in karma then this is a fine example of it in practice. The size is perfect and it's sort of a curved square kind of shape so you can drink down a corner and not run the risk of losing any of that White Russianey goodness.
2. Ice. Ice is important for a White Russian. Seeing as it's mostly dairy you want to keep it cool. Lukewarm milk is very un-Dude. The type of ice is up to you though. Crushed, cubes, it's all good. I personally use a rather handsome Star Wars ice cube tray bought for me by my lady friend. The Millennium Falcon is particularly excellent I'm sure you'll agree.
3. The Kahlua. Kahlua is a coffee flavoured liqueur from Mexico made from rum, corn syrup and vanilla bean. This is where the flavour comes from so don't be shy. If you're unsure then 50ml is probably a good amount. I free pour mine but only after many years of honing my White Russian skills.
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Now some people and bars out there make Russians with Tia Maria, which is fine if that's your deal. Personally I find Kahlua more flavoursome and a bit punchier than Tia Maria. In fact, I used to make Russians with Tia Maria until I had one with Kahlua. It's just nicer, simple as.
4. In my opinion the vodka is perhaps the least important aspect of the whole process, though part of it none the less. It doesn't have much of a taste compared to the Kahlua so it's only real function is to up the alcoholic aspect of the beverage. Add it to taste though my advise is just a drop otherwise you'll tarnish the Kahlua. Brand isn't important, cheapest will do though Russian Standard is pretty good. Nice and smooth.
5. Milk makes up the main body of the Russian so don't cut any corners. You want a good quality, whole milk preferably something filtered like Cravendale. Skimmed milk is no good and neither is anything like soya or almond. Blue milk but not the Star Wars kind. Fill the glass to a little over 3/4 full.
6. Top the glass up with the cream. Simple single cream will do, you don't want anything like double because it'll make the Russian too thick. The Yanks across the pond have the benefit of half and half but we Brits need to make do mixing our dairy products manually. But we get proper bacon and reasonable length ad breaks on TV so it swings in roundabouts.
7. Put your cocktails shakers away, all this needs a simple stir until all the ingredients are combined. If you don't have an awesome teardrop glass stirrer like myself, a teaspoon will do. Or a knife. Or a pencil. Anything to hand really.
8. Enjoy in a comfortable chair ensuring to not get too much Russian in your mustache. That second part might not apply to everyone.
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And there we have it. Simple, elegant, decadent. Easy to do but even easier to mess up, something I've seen all too much of in my time. Here's some things to avoid while making your own Caucasians at home and when you're out and about:
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Don't use fancy flavoured vodkas; I'm not fucking around here. You'll wreck the beverage, even if you're using a neutral flavour like vanilla. I crossed swords with a manager in a bar once who insisted White Russians should be made with vanilla vodka. That is until he actually tried one and his eyes twitched from the sweetness. Normal vodka, nothing more.
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Don't go trying to be posh with "toppers" or whatever. There's a bar in Newcastle that puts chocolate powder on top of their Russians for reasons unknown. The result is you end up picking it out your teeth for the rest of the night.
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There are some heathens or hipsters or something who seem to think a White Russian is made using lemonade instead of milk and cream. Someone puts that down in front of you, turn around, leave the bar and never return.
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As with all things Dudeist, take it easy. Too many White Russians churning around in your stomach can make for some unpleasant feelings. Also don't mix White Russians with any other alcoholic beverages; I can tell you from experience that it does not end well.